Valentine's Day (2010) Review

SYNOPSIS:

An all-star ensemble cast comes together in Valentine's Day, following the intertwining storylines of a group of Los Angelinos as they find their way through romance over the course of one Valentine's Day.

There is really nothing positive to say about Valentine's Day, a rom-com featuring a cast of recognizable TV stars with Julia Roberts (she was paid $500,000 a minute), Kathy Bates and Anne Hathaway slumming it to be amongst "stars" from "Alias," "That '70s Show" (x2), "Dark Angel," "7th Heaven" and "Grey's Anatomy" (x2). On top of that we have Twilight star of the moment Taylor Lautner, his headline-making girlfriend Taylor Swift and other names such as Jamie Foxx, Bradley Cooper and Queen Latifah not so much adding any kind of overwhelming talent, but certainly adding to the pool of names New Line can use in the film's marketing in an attempt to make it look like they have an actual product, but it's surface level at best.



Directing this mess of "OK! Magazine" cover models is Garry Marshall whose career has been declining at a rapid pace since Pretty Woman in 1990 and it has now hit rock bottom with a film Cupid's arrow couldn't even make attractive. In what is really nothing more than a fifth-rate Love Actually knock-off — all the way down to the cute little kid looking for love — Valentine's Day can't even hold a conversation with the far more entertaining predecessor of which I am embarrassed to even mention in the same sentence.

Set in the overused city of Los Angeles, Valentine's Day introduces us to a myriad of relationships, some doomed from the outset, others set on a destructive path all while the story heads toward its redemptive conclusion with four times the endings Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King offered. You don't know sorrow until you've suffered through what is essentially twelve endings to a movie I was ready to walk out of after losing all hope midway through.

We have denied love, looking for love, tired love, new love, young love, can't find love, cheating love, forever in love, motherly love and even virgins looking to make love. Oh, and Valentine's Day just wouldn't be complete if screenwriter Katherine Fugate didn't still believe that gay love was a source of surprise. Guess what Katherine, it's no surprise people are gay in this world, although I'm not sure I believe anything coming out of the actor's mouth when he claimed to be just that. To that complaint, this film reeks with some of the worst acting I have seen in a very long time.

The worst of the bunch is easily Taylor Swift whom I thought may have just been nervous in her "Saturday Night Live" appearance, but no, she's really that bad. Eric Dane breaks into some kind of macho teleprompter speak that's as stunted as his character arc and if movies are going to rely on Ashton Kutcher and George Lopez to reveal the moral of the story you may as well just give up.

Poorly edited sequences had me guess whether Jennifer Garner was in Los Angeles or San Francisco and if Topher Grace and Anne Hathaway are on the verge of a relationship ever-lasting I certainly wasn't convinced. Finally, a scene with George Lopez swinging on a swing set with his wife is almost as laugh out loud hilarious as the Bella and Edward dream sequence in New Moon. Get a padded room you two!

I felt no emotion other than boredom and hatred while watching this film. The only laugh comes in the final moments courtesy of Jamie Foxx, which is just sad considering Marshall had two hours before that to deliver some humor. And I wouldn't be surprised if Foxx's line was improvised.

If you're dating one of those people that already hates Valentine's Day certainly stay clear of this one as it won't brighten their mood. All Valentine's Day does is give the naysayers more to complain about while such obviously female-driven fare once again proves to dupe unsuspecting ladies into a film even they will have a hard time enjoying. As one woman sitting next to me whispered with about an hour left in the film, "This movie is awful." If you can't take it from me, take it from her, what she says is true.

VALENTINE'S DAY (2010)

Starring: Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner, Shirley MacLaine, Bradley Cooper, Ashton Kutcher, Topher Grace, Emma Roberts, Hector Elizondo, Eric Dane, Patrick Dempsey, Jamie Foxx, Queen Latifah, Carter Jenkins

Director: Garry Marshall

Studio: New Line Cinema

Genre: Romance / Comedy

Rating: PG-13 (For some sexual material and brief partial nudity.)

Release Date: February 12, 2010

Official Site: http://www.valentinesdaymovie

Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010) Review

SYNOPSIS:

It’s the 21st century, but the gods of Mount Olympus and assorted monsters have walked out of the pages of high school student Percy Jackson’s Greek mythology texts and into his life. And they’re not happy: Zeus’ lightning bolt has been stolen, and Percy is the prime suspect. Even more troubling is the sudden disappearance of Percy's mother. As Percy adapts to his newly discovered status as a demi-god (his father is Poseidon), he finds himself caught between the battling titans of Mt. Olympus. He and his friends embark on a cross-country adventure to catch the true lightning thief, save Percy’s mom, and unravel a mystery more powerful than the gods themselves.

You probably already knew Mount Olympus was the home of the Greek gods, but did you know to get there all you have to do is take an elevator secretly located inside the Empire State Building to get there? I was equally shocked to learn Medusa runs a greenhouse in New Jersey and lotus eaters have taken up residence in Las Vegas. Next thing you're going to tell me is Hell is located in Hollywood. Wait… What? It is?

Based on the popular teen novels written by Rick Riordan, Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief is hoping to catch on like Harry Potter at the theaters, so much so the director of the first two Potter features, Chris Columbus, duped Fox into hiring him for the gig. However, Fox must have forgotten this was the same guy that directed I Love You Beth Cooper for the studio only a year ago, proving his talents do have limits, as does the filmed version of Percy Jackson.

Telling the story of its title character, played by 18-year-old Logan Lerman — a gifted young actor who had an excellent turn in My One and Only — we learn early on Percy Jackson is the son of Poseidon, but as it turns out the Gods aren't the stay at home type of parents and Percy has no idea who is father is. This origin story of sorts finds its footing as Zeus's lightning bolt is stolen (not exactly sure how that happens), and the King of the Gods places the blame on his nephew Percy and has given him 14 days to return it or a war of the Gods will begin. Scary right? I mean, warring Gods can't be good and it's represented in the film by a big scary rain cloud (sans lightning of course).

Seeing how the Gods serve as absentee parents, a magical training facility is set up in the woods for their half-human, half-god children (referred to as demigods) to bone up on their sword fighting. What they're training so hard to do is never mentioned, but I guess it doesn't really matter since logic and story details have no real place here. To make up for it the story tries to move along fast enough so you won't notice. So just as soon as Percy joins this band of forest dwellers it isn't long before he learns Hades (Steve Coogan) has taken his mom (Catherine Keener) hostage, causing Percy to set off on the highway to Hell with his half-goat friend (Brandon T. Jackson) and the film's young love interest (Alexandra Daddario).

All of this may sound amusing and entertaining in digital ink and after seeing a couple of trailers I expected it to be just that. Unfortunately it's just boring. Columbus's direction of this picture is paint-by-numbers. Its only interest is in getting from A-to-B and doing it as quickly and painlessly as possible. Should the scene call for a big action set piece filled with CGI Columbus delivers it just as expected and as seen in any number of other films like it. Boring.

While the idea of Gods and their children living secretly among us is a fascinating thought, this film is as straight to the point as it could be. It accepts its silliness, but I can't. Too much goes unanswered and what's left is, for the most part, uninteresting. It all boils down to people battling CGI monsters or hurling CGI weapons at one another. So much money goes into the effects that the studio hopes you'll forgive the plot holes. Even worse, outside of a rather cool water-logged finale the effects didn't do much for me either.

Uma Thurman pulled off the Medusa role with a satisfying bit of menace and charm, but her head of snakes was more distracting than impressive. Steve Coogan as Hades is inspired casting, and I got a kick out of seeing him in the role after realizing it was him, but as the scene progresses he shifts into the fiery God to prove a point and all I could think was Wow, they just wasted a lot of money for a joke that wasn't even funny.

The entertainment factor in Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief is shorter-lived than its long-winded title. The actors play their parts with such lackluster enthusiasm it's hard to ever get into the story, but perhaps that's because there is so little holding the story together there wasn't much for them to get excited about. I've heard the books are entertaining, good thing, because the movie's not.

PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS: THE LIGHTNING THIEF (2010)

Starring: Uma Thurman, Pierce Brosnan, Sean Bean, Kevin McKidd, Melina Kanakaredes, Logan Lerman, Brandon Jackson, Catherine Keener

Director: Chris Columbus

Studio: 20th Century Fox

Genre: Fantasy / Adventure

Rating: PG (For action violence and peril, some scary images and suggestive material, and mild language.)

Release Date: February 12, 2010